I support people right to do realtionships as they please but can we be real on what it is? There is a distinctive air of revisionist reasoning to polyamory that feels like a narcissistic reframing of reality.
Polyams seem to be everywhere these days. But why are all the famous ones also toxic and narcissistic? And why are monogamous people being abused and traumatized by polyamorous people?
Jada Smith bascially came out as polyamorous — and a female Casanova that cheated on her famous husband. Then got her family and the society to legitimize and adopt her lifestyle. Will Smith basically became a cuckold, and he has suffered through all of it.
FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried and his polyamorous friends ran the company to the ground. They sounded like they were neurodiverse kids that were drugged up and living a different reality than everyone else.
Normal unassuming girls like my ex that are willing to mask their way through monogamous relationship, only to polybomb on their partner when it is too late for the poor soul to realize what happened.
18 mox ago, I got out of a relationship with someone who seemed, nice, kind and gentle with everyone, including me. But, she had a way of being emotionally abusive sometimes. She would belittle me, use me and withdraw affection without reason. In my mind, she almost came off like an entitled girl looking for a rich guy to marry into so as to climb that social ladder. She played the line beautifully, that’s why giving her the benefit of the doubt always worked in favor of her manipulating me.
In the end, I got traumatized & PTSD when she kept insisting on going on a trip to Hawaii (they were one of those tourists who vacationed when people were dying and would’t respect quarantine rules) with some narcissistic friend group of hers. She is age 37, I assume they are all in their 30’s, some were couples others were single. I just didn’t get the purpose of a trip like this? Who goes on such trips anyway? She mentioned a Chinese guy who was a wealthy Youtuber personally invited her (and was courting her). He was already sleeping with her best friend who also had a husband in LDR.
She acted subversively and anxiously as if she had something to hide. She wouldn’t talk about anything. She seemed to be saying, i’ve said enough.
The specific trauma came from something of an intuition, an image with a feeling of her in a compromised position in a group setting where she was giving herself up sexually to the group in a masochistic manner, while her sadists friends violated her through and through during the trip.
It was like a flash of image and a sense of knowing that came to sufrace of my consciousness. It also came with its own set of anxiety so intense that I mistook it for a heart attack and a visit to the ER.
In hindsight, she indirectly hinted she was polyamorous (i mean it is very prevalent in SF & LA. She said she liked sex. She had BDSM attire she would wear for me already. She mentioned she likes board games and have group of friends she plays boardgames with).
She also were covertly narcissistic, she seemed to lack cognitive/emotional empathy for me. She would get a drink for herself while we were on a date, but fail to ask me if I wanted one. She ghosted me and sat silently through while i was going through my psychosis, even as I reminded her how painful it was for me?
Instead, at timees she acted psycopathic, sending me a phone number to thesuicide hotline. She also told me to things in spite — telling me I should make more friends (to sleep with? to be polyamorous with?) so I have a place to turn to when she is busy doing her polyam thing — whatever it is.
I gave up at this point — it hurt to much. When I asked her what she wants from me, she said she wanted more control over her life. So I told her I will break up with you.
She then called no contact on me, and started projeting onto me a controlling, narcissistic, angry ex-bf coming after her. I did chase her for a while and reach out to her ignoring her no contact. I felt I had the right to demand truth and closure from her, especially in the light of her cheating on me, being toxic and manipulating me, and telling others that I was the abuser and her the victim. She even convinced her psychiatrist that I was sa threat to myself and others to issue a 5150 (forced psychiatric commit). My mom just didn’t sign off on it, because she felt something was off.
This was her DARVO’ing me, so that she could socially castrated of my credibility
To her I was the narcissist. But to me (and this is the real truth), she was the covert narcissist with split persona, because we were talking about working towards marriage weeks earlier. She seemed capable of compartmentalize her life and lives life as different characters, willfully and intentionally with full consciousness.
I realized that she would act like such trip was a no big deal, if she was a polyamorous person trying pretend her way through a committed monogamous relationship. I could see how such event is necessary to ensure compatibility for the future, when she would want to see other people but keep our monogamous marriage intact.
This is called poly-bombing. I was a victim of it. I went through a psychosis because of her and I’m still in recovery 1.5 years later. I think emotional abuse is no joke and trauma bonding is real. She triggered a wound that I had within, and I went through what resembled a borderline episode.
Yet none of this made me want to act out or become sexually promiscuous, abuse substances or s
I personally get really angry when girls like her polybomb their partner after marriage with demands to open up the relationship. This is betrayal at the core of our society’s agreement on how we do relationships.
There is a flavor of polyamory that is down right toxic, selfish and soul crushing to the partner involved. There was a post on reddit polyamory about a guy who had a poiyamorous wife asking the polyamory board “respectfully” how he can communicate to her that she should not spend their family camping trip texting her FWB’s while he had to take care of the kids.
I mean dude, what kind of a fucked up woman thinks that is an ok way to live life? She must not have any conscience, a complete lack of morality, ethics and emotional empathy. Psychopathic — no guilt or remorse. He said he loved his partner enough to let her do that because he had a disability. But I wanted to tell him this, you have the right ot be loved as you are fully even if you have a disability. You are not broken or less than whole because you have a disability. She should love you despite your disability, and you should divorce her and find someone that could love you for you.
To me, this flavor of polyamory based on conditional fake love should never be allowed in the community. It is what allows covert narcissists, and sadist abusers to thrive. I would have thought polyamory to be based on unconditional love & acceptance for each other. If all it is are broken people & hedonists try to do relationships based on sex (not love) through conditions and contracts to apply elements of control, call it contract-based long-term relationships. Hell sugar dating is a form of polyamory too then. So is prostitution right?
